


When all but the gold of our altar is gone

by damnata



Series: Whumptober 2019 [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Character Death, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Whump, whumptober2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-15 09:00:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20863637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnata/pseuds/damnata
Summary: The omamori Alec gifted him was red, the careful stitches on it yellow and the cord of it dark green.When Magnus looked at it now, turning it around and around in his hands during the lonely nights, all he saw were shades of grey.





	When all but the gold of our altar is gone

**Author's Note:**

> Day 2 - Explosion. Well, not in the literal sense.

Magnus opened his eyes, his feet sliding against the cool silk sheets as he turned to stare out of the window, a little flick of his fingers aiding in flinging the curtains to the side. It was another grey New York morning. 

It had been the same for years now.

He contemplated falling back asleep, the pull of it still warm under his skin. Magnus was tired more often than he was not, the recommended eight hours doing nothing for him. Eventually, they grew into nine and then into ten, eleven, twelve...

Sometimes he slept the whole day away, his limbs heavy on the soft mattress and the weight of the blanket surrounding him like a warm hug. Like Alec had, many years ago.

Magnus couldn´t remember it well any more. Couldn´t remember the places Alec´s hands landed when he held him like this. Couldn´t remember the steady rhythm of his heart against Magnus´ back, the tempo of his sweet breath against his neck.

He remembered feeling safe and loved and loving so much in turn he was afraid it would kill him. That his love for Alec would be what tore the breath from his lungs, that it would stop his ages-old heart.

He was still alive, alone in a bed too big for one.

Alec had asked him to, had begged him to.

“Please,” He remembered Alec saying, though Magnus couldn´t recall the exact tone of his voice any more. He knew that it had been weak, shivery, fading. Alec had been dying in his arms. “Please, be happy. Please try.”

He had cried as he held Alec´s bloody palm against his cheek. He remembered the tacky feeling of it, the scent of iron. He had begged in turn. For Alec not to go where he couldn´t follow. For him to stay just a little while longer. To keep on just a little while longer.

“Catarina is coming,” He had assured Alec as he held him close, his own magic drained to nothing. “It´s just a bit of venom, really.” He had joked. “Nothing to die about.”

Alec had just stared up at him with his wide hazel eyes, the street lamps reflecting off of specks of blue and green, a pained smile on his bloodied lips but a smile nevertheless.

“I love you,” Had been his last words, a mere second before his eyes lost the light in them and his smile became a frozen grimace.

Magnus had only been able to stare in shock as the red of Alec´s blood faded to grey. He had screamed then, with his love´s body held close to his chest. He had screamed and keened and wished to be struck dead if only not to be separated from Alec. Vaguely, he recalled Catarina finally arriving at the scene and trying to comfort him, only for Magnus to shrug her off and howl when she touched him. 

He remembered clawing at the asphalt when they tried to take Alec´s body away from him, begging and pleading and threatening anyone who even tried to touch the corpse that was growing cold in his arms. 

Red was the first to fade with Alec. The colour of passion and fire. The colour of life.

It had been like an explosion of colours when Magnus first met Alec, one that shocked him to the core as he stared at his soulmate. The pink of his skin and the dark brown of his hair. The blue of his shirt and the red fletchings of his arrows.

Alexander had been a blinding revelation under the neon strobe lights of Pandemonium. His features flashing in shades of green and yellow and purple and pink. Colours Magnus had ever only read about.

Ever only dreamt of seeing.

Suddenly the sky was blue and the trees were green and Magnus kissed Alec on a red carpet in front of an altar not meant for them, desperation as well as exhilaration running through his veins. They made love on golden sheets and enjoyed the pink-purple-blue twilight on Magnus´ balcony with glasses of crimson wine in their hands.

The omamori Alec gifted him was red, the careful stitches on it yellow and the cord of it dark green.

When Magnus looked at it now, turning it around and around in his hands during the lonely nights, all he saw were shades of grey.

He had lost red when he lost Alec, green when he forgot the exact timbre of his laugh and violet when he packed up Alec´s clothes. Brown soured to grey when Magnus ceased to stock up on Alec´s favourite brand of coffee that was much too bitter for anyone else to stomach and blue escaped as he finally, after years, welcomed another´s touch.

Magnus hadn´t let himself be touched since.

All the colours he gained when he met Alec were lost one-by-one as Magnus let go of him, preparing him for a chance meeting that would once again fill his world with an explosion of colours as another soulmate of his entered his long life.

The process of loving and losing a soulmate was cruel and painful. Often times Magnus felt as if it was a punishment, to lose Alec to another death as Magnus´ memories of him frayed along the edges or when he set to prepare only one cup of tea instead of two as he was so used to. 

A death of memory. Something so final Magnus shuddered as he thought about it.

He only had one colour left.

The skies of New York opened with a golden brilliance, the glittering rays of sunlight radiant as they covered the floor and walls of Magnus´ bedroom, leaving warm streaks on his skin. Magnus smiled as he remembered the time long past when his head had rested on Alec´s chest, the scent of him sleep-warm and heady, with Alec´s fingers tracing delicate patterns on his back.

Alone now, Magnus curled up around a pillow, hiding his tears in the soft silk as he laid in a warm spot of golden sun, gently tracing the edge of the wedding band still around his ring finger.

Magnus would never find a new soulmate, too desperate to keep to himself the colour of gold that had meant so much to Alexander. Too desperate to keep something of his great love to himself, even if it was fading.

As long as Magnus had breath in his body, Alexander would never truly die and the mornings of New York would always dawn bright.

He was happy with that. As happy as he could be.


End file.
